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burdenonherarmsCharacter [s]: Loki, Sigyn, Thor, Jane, Narvi, Hel, Theoric, Freya, Nanna and Balder.
Summary: Because everyone has a breaking point, everyone has a limit as to how much they can take and go through…she has just reached hers.
Extra Notes: Just some warnings of mention of blood, delicate death subjects and angst, lots of it…this is a cake of angst, with a sorrow fondant and topped with heartbreak.
Also I wonder if this might feel a bit confusing considering the way it will be written, but hopefully it will comprehensible and do ignore the grammar mistakes. Also freaking mega long 7126 words so bear with it.
[ Apart, intrinsic, stand…And this brief tragedy of flesh is shifted like a sand. ]
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She could sense it on everything, in the subtle changes in the atmosphere, in the rippling of her magic that was tied to her mild seer abilities natural to her race, even in the light bond she shared with her husband…soon they were all going to be struck with even more tragedy, more of what they had already had, and she couldn’t know how or when it will happen thus she couldn’t try to stop it.
The feeling of dread and worry Sigyn had woken up for the last two days her husband had gone to who knows where had intensified greatly this time, enough to cause her a mild headache about it and the spike of her seer abilities, which were screaming at her that things were going to be further broken without repair. It had been so overwhelming that she been forced to turn Narvi away from his magic lessons, though the little child had been overjoyed of spending the day with his uncle and Frigga which was only for the best, Narvi was a very emphatic boy, especially when it came to her feelings and knew when she was down, if he had remained he would have known how distressed she was.
A cold wind drifted by, swaying the drapes and her dress, causing her to shiver a bit and making her realize a storm was near, this time a natural one and not produced by Thor. With a small sigh she turned around and moved to sit on an elegant settee in the sitting room of the chambers she shared with her husband, lightly resting her hand over her womb, with all that had been happening she hadn’t been able to tell anyone she was with child again, only herself and Eir knew about it, soon enough her loose clothing wouldn’t be able to conceal it. The blond haired goddess wasn’t sure how long she sat there staring at nothing when she first felt it, a strange awareness that someone, something was there and her heart nearly stopped when the atmosphere started to feel heavier, oppressive nearly making it impossible for her to breathe, she couldn’t even move.
When she finally felt a semblance of control over her body she immediately stood up and screaming in surprise when she felt as if she was stabbed the moment she was on her feet, she had been stabbed before and she could recognize the familiar pain, when she looked down she found no wound before she could even wonder more about an intense wave of pain wrecked her body, causing her fall to her knees at the intensity and it only got more intense the more time it passed, she screamed again –a scream that was smothered by a roll of thunder from the storm that was now raging outside her window.
Realizing the source of her pain her heart nearly fell to her feet, she tried to scramble to her feet and find help or at least reach the door, but she could barely move it felt as if her body was being torn apart from the inside, when her hands moved to her womb and felt the fabric of her dress wet, very slowly she raised her hand only to see the crimson hue of her hand and fingers, another scream when she felt another intense wave of pain and now she was finally aware of the fact that a great amount of blood seemed to be sliding down her thighs. Once again she tried to move, but instead of moving to her feet she feel down to the floor, pain wrecking her body and slowly feeling the child that had been growing inside of her dying.
With desperate tears streaming down her face, she did the only thing she could, amidst the pain each of her movements brought she started to drag herself through the floor, trying to reach the door and unaware of the crimson path she was leaving on the floor on her wake. Another scream was ripped from her lips, she was losing her child…and she couldn’t do anything to prevent it…Loki wasn’t even here…
“SIGYN!!!”
The familiar loud voice of her brother in law cause her to look up, her vision was a bit blurry but she could recognize him and she felt so relieved to see him, he was going to be able to help her and it was then that she noticed her son and Frigga, Narvi was looking at the scene with such horror on his young and innocent face. “Frigga…take…take Narvi away now!!!”
While her request was filled promptly she knew the damage was wrought upon her young son and what he had seen won’t be forgotten. When Thor gathered on his arms and started to run to the healer houses, she was so numb about the pain and even the blood loss that she didn’t even realized it, she wasn’t even fully conscious and when they got there, it all happened in a blur of colors and sounds and even more pain that at some point she must have passed out, she deduced that because when she gained her conscious next time, the rain was lighter, while still in pain it wasn’t as bad as before and she could recognize the magic field about her, one that signified she was being slowly healed…
“…We didn’t even know she was with child.” Thor’s voice was clear from the other side of the room; she could even recognize the hints of regret there.
“No, she thought that given the circumstances it will be poor timing.” Eir’s wise and old voice sounded so tired. “I can’t even explain how this happened, she was healthy and the pregnancy was going just fine…this loss…”
Sigyn shut them out then, she didn’t needed to know more, her hands fisted the blanket that covered and she allowed more tears to come to her eyes, it had been too late, her child had died…she hadn’t been able to move fast enough to save it, she had been in part responsible to its death…she had gone through the worst experience ever and thus she didn’t dare ask she knew….
Loki wasn’t even here, he hadn’t been here…
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When she woke up again, she hadn’t even realized she had fell asleep, maybe she hadn’t even fallen asleep as more as she had passed out, she was alone in the room or at least that’s what she had first though. A small shift in the shadows in the corner of her eyes caught her attention, tiredly she turned her head to look there, she still couldn’t move her body, Eir had probably used a spell to immobilize her body so the healing could work without any issue as well as to make it feel less because she was sure that without it, she wouldn’t be able to stand it, but she could still move her head and she waited for whoever it was to appear.
Sigyn was just a bit startled when Hel stepped from the shadows or at least a projection of Hel, after all, the goddess of the underworld couldn’t exactly freely come and go in Asgard despite being the daughter of Loki, also seeing her in those moments just reminded Sigyn of the loss she had suffered a few hours…or was it days…ago but she couldn’t blame Hel, after all she only did her task, the small look of regret on Hel’s face helped to make Sigyn feel less angry at her for what she represented.
“I hope that my visit is not inconvenient for you, I had to come and make sure you were alright.” Hel looked down at her; the eyes of the young goddess moving over her and Sigyn couldn’t help but feel she was trying to avoid looking her in the eyes. “Under Eir’s care your body will recover in a matter of days.”
Sigyn had to at least give her credit for not assuming her the same will happen with her heart and soul. “Is there any other reason you are here, Hel?” She nearly winced at how raspy and even broken her voice sounded. “I am sure it wasn’t only to be assured of my condition.”
Hel was quiet for a bit. “You have always been more perceptive than what people gave you credit for.” When Hel finally looked into her eyes, Sigyn was again startled when she saw the regret there. “You have always been a kind and fair woman, Sigyn, you have always accepted myself and my brothers as rightful children to my father and you were always kind to us on the few occasions our father brought you to visit, we like you…even I do and that is why one of the reasons I came here, because you have earned that I apologize for you and ask your forgiveness.”
“There is nothing to apologize for Hel, this…you were only doing your duty, after all.” While many wouldn’t have noticed, Sigyn noticed the light tensing on her shoulders. “...you were just doing your duty, were you not…?”
“…I was not, hence I ask for your forgiveness.” Hel looked away, probably feeling a bit uncomfortable at the rather hurt look on Sigyn’s face now and bracing herself, she turned to look back at the older goddess. “You will understand when father comes back and…”
“That…that is enough Hel.” She closed her eyes, she didn’t want to hear the rest, and she didn’t want to believe Loki was somehow connected to this. “…I will just ask you something Hel…”
“…What is it?”
Sigyn took a deep breath, afraid of asking this. “My…my child’s soul…is it going to go to a better place or be allowed to rebirth?”
Hel was quiet for a long time, a heavy silence. “No, his soul was destroyed and consumed, it ceased to exist…it was the price to pay.”
At those words, Sigyn just started to cry again, mourning for her child…for her son…for the son that will never be able to come to this world not now or ever, the son that won’t know how much she would have loved him and wouldn’t be able to see the world, learn of its wonders or all the small things that made things important…he wouldn’t even exist now, a sudden touch on her hand startled her and she turned to look at Hel again.
“The regret that I have with this is that you were hurt, you didn’t deserve it and knowing you were one of the people hurt in this will be one of the very few regrets I will ever have. I know that maybe you will never be able to forgive me for this, but know I am truly regretful, and I will compensate you…if you ever need of my aid; you know where to find me.”
Giving her one last look and a lingering touch, Hel moved to the shadows again and a few seconds later Sigyn knew she was gone. While part of her was a bit thankful that Hel had come here to apologize, but still Hel had willingly took part of whatever that Loki had done in this and she didn’t know what to do, the only thing she seemed to be able to do at the moment was crying, she could feel the tears streaming down her face and it was with a heavy heart and tears of sorrow that she fell into oblivion again.
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The next time she recovered her conscience, she became aware of two things, the first was that she could feel her body and she was sure that she could move it now, which means she must have been down for a day or two, and the second one was that she wasn’t alone, she could feel another presence in her room, someone that was holding her hand…it was a very familiar touch and one that instead of bringing her comfort was only enraged her a bit. When she opened her eyes, the first person she saw was Loki and she just watched him for a few seconds, he looked as she remembered, broken and even his aura felt the same, with the hints of paranoia and being broken only that now she could add the hint of regret yet even feeling that she still was angry at him.
When he seemed to felt she was looking at him, he looked up and it was clear that he had been crying, weeping for the news that had greeted him upon his arrival and that made her heart soften in sight of them, wanting to keep that idea of being unfeeling towards him crash and burn.
“Sigyn…we were worried about you and we regret not being here.”
She was just a bit startled that he was still talking like that, before she could say something the door to her room opened and Thor walked in, looking solemnly grave but apparently relieved she was awake, before she could ponder more on the gravity of his look the next person that walked after him made her heart stop and her body go numb in sheer shock. Jane just stood there, clearly not expecting to see her awake just yet, and tentatively smiling at her, Sigyn was sure that she was looking at them with a blank face, without a single smile back and considering that she was still surely looking like hell it wasn’t that reassuring for Jane.
“Sigyn, I’m glad that you are okay and…” Jane couldn’t even finish before Sigyn slowly sat up and decided to cut in right then and there.
“Loki…what did you do?” The rather cold and unfeeling tone she was using seemed to startle everyone in the room, it was a tone they had never thought she was cable of.
“Sigyn…we…”
“No, Loki!” Hard and cold eyes turned to look at Loki before she retrieved her hand back from his grasp. “WHAT DID YOU DO!?”
For a few seconds Loki was quiet, everyone in the room was, before he finally decided to break the silence. “We made a deal with Hel to bring Jane back and…”
“And you sacrificed our child’s soul for her!” She glared at him and she even glared at Jane in such a way that the woman had to take a step back, before she fixed her eyes on Loki. “While you were there moving and draining yourself out of magic to revive her, I was here paying the price for your wishes once again!”
“Sigyn…:”
“NO LOKI! You have no idea of what I had to go through of the pain tearing my body apart and knowing that I was losing the son that was growing inside of me, while you were there reviving Jane, I was here alone feeling a life and nearly my own being consumed just so you could have what you wanted!” She wanted to hit him, to hurt him physically but that wouldn’t do, he was used to it and will deal with it so emotionally it will have to be. “You truly live just to break me, Loki and I won’t take it anymore…I AM DONE YOU HEAR ME!”
The look of pure shock on everyone’s faces while she said those words and the conviction behind them made her feel momentarily good, for a bit before Jane took a step forward. “Sigyn, please try to understand…”
“Understand what, Jane? That my son was sacrificed for a selfish wish of Loki to have you back, caring not about the consequences.” She snarled at Loki when he tried to take her hand again and even slapped it away. “Get out…both of you…GET OUT!!!”
A sound of pain left her lips when she moved, she felt something inside of her giving in and it only got worse when Loki immediately moved closer to her but she wouldn’t have any of it, she pushed and slapped him away, she only stood calm when Thor was the one that finally came forward to aid her, the scent of blood already teasing her senses before Eir stumbled into the room with another healer and promptly kicked them out of the room to tend to her, scolding her for not being aware that she needed to be calm and she had added more days to her recovery…but she didn’t cared…she was to broken at the moment.
Before she was put to sleep again she had asked, pleaded to Eir to not allow Loki to visit her again, she didn’t want to see him again; she wasn’t able to go back to sleep till Eir assured her that her wishes will be fulfilled.
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“Poor Lady Sigyn all these years Lord Loki was cheating on her with her best friend, really the nerve of that man, first he sleeps with her mother and then with her best friend.”
“Yes, I feel bad for Lord Thor, all these years thinking Lady Jane was happy with him and she was with his brother.”
“I know, but Lord Thor didn’t go through with what Lady Sigyn had, that wretched bastard had not hesitation to sacrifice them for his lover, he should be locked up for that.”
At that moment the women that had been checking on her had thought she was sleep and thus could be free to talk about it, she hadn’t dared to wake up and tell them differently, she had just laid there pretending to be asleep while those words stabbed at her over and over. She was sure that everyone in court was talking about this, about how Loki and Jane had been betraying them for years, how she and Thor had been to blind to see the truth, how about someone will make the right connections about her miscarriage and the miraculous revival of Jane.
She didn’t want to deal with this, she told Eir about and thus she wasn’t surprised that the next times Eir herself was the one that came to check on her from that day on.
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The following days were slow, she had visits from Thor, Frigga and Odin, many night she had woken up to find that Narvi had managed to sneak inside the healing houses, into her room and had crawled in bed with her, sometimes she woke up and told him to go back to his room, other times Thor came to search for him, took him back to Frigga’s care and returned to spend the rest of the night with her, there were other nights in which she hadn’t had the heart or wish to the turn him away, she turned and she carefully wrapped her arms around him, Narvi was the biggest comfort she had and she cherished him.
Her political family wasn’t the only one that had visited, Njord had come as well, despite that he was very old now and couldn’t take long trips, her grandfather had risked that and arrived to Asgard the moment he heard what had happened to her. His presence was also quite comforting to her, her grandfather was the closest thing she had as a father figure and she loved him as such, when he visited he never said anything, he just sat in silence with her and that was enough with her it comforted her as well. Her mother also visited, those visits tended to be dreadful or not depending on her mother’s mood, sometimes she acted like a mother and the other times she did not, acting more like a vindictive bitch…
“Truly Sigyn, what is wrong with you that your husband had to look for comfort not only in your mother but also your sister in law something must be ruined in you. Also I am quite sure that Loki will never go to such extents as he did with Lady Jane for you, he was more eager to pawn you and your son for her.”
Even remembering those words still hurt her, not only because her mother had said them but also because she couldn’t help but find a ring of truth in them, a very painful truth. As if sensing she had given quite a deep plunge on her daughter, for the first time since Sigyn remembered, Freya seemed to be as regretful as she could be and her next visits were more pleasant, talking more about the state on their home. Her favorite sister Nanna was a frequent visitor as well, she tended to come with Balder from times to times, Nanna tried her hardest to cheer her up or lift her spirits, she read to her, she talked of menial things, she brought flowers, everything to distract her from what had happened, she was one of the few people she could trust and when she had expressed a certain opinion about the state of things, she knew Nanna had been sincere when she had given her own and a piece of advice.
“Sometimes sister, that with doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, I know you will raise even stronger after this and wiser. Wise enough to know that things change without you wanted them to and that there are times hard choices have to be made in order to preserve your heart, because all things must come to an end and one has to know when to step back for your own good. You deserve to be happy as well, truly happy.”
Those words had echoed in her head for days and she knew her sister was right, sometimes her sister could be wiser than her in certain things and this was one of them.
She had been unchained then.
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It was a bright day, with a fresh breeze that drifted inside the room through the window and swaying the cream hued drapes. The atmosphere in the room was tense though, Sigyn was quietly sitting on her bed, a small pile of pillows supporting her back, she had finally been changed to another room and she was going to be out soon, her eyes moved to the person that was seating on the chair by her bedside, since her visitor had arrived nearly thirty minutes ago not a single word had left it’s lips, she supposed she could understand that, after all this was the first time that Jane visited her after that fatidic first time.
Time seemed to drag slowly while she waited for Jane to say something to her, she knew that the mortal woman hadn’t come here just to sit in silence and stare at her lap forever; she finally rolled her eyes a bit. “Jane if you’re going to say something just say it.”
“It has been days Sigyn and you still refuse to see Loki.” Jane finally looked up and stared at her, looking quite tired but not as bad as Sigyn still looked. “He has been in pure despair and anguish over your refusal to see him.”
The blond slowly rested her hands over her covered lap. “I am sure that your company has been a great relief for him during his days of despair and anguish, after all, you do soothe and comfort him.”
“….Sigyn…I have…I am just trying to help and…”
“No, Jane stop, I know that you have noble intentions and you have been an essential part of the improvement Loki had showed for a bit there with not only our marriage but also his family and I am truly thankful for it, I am sure everyone is.” And that was something Sigyn will forever be thankful to her. “But don’t try to think I am a fool and that I don’t know that my husband is IN love with you.”
Jane’s breath hitched a bit at that. “No matter what you have heard, Sigyn I swear to you we have never…”
“I know Jane, for all purposes and intentions, Loki has kept his promise and he has remained faithful to me, but the same wasn’t with his heart. I have been aware that his feelings for you changed even before he realized himself.” Sigyn just smiled at the rather startled look on Jane’s face. “Why do you look so surprised? I know Loki’s heart even better than he knows it himself or at least I used to do so.”
Another bout of silence fell between both women, Jane clearly didn’t know what to say about that and Sigyn thought it was just as well since she didn’t though there was anything to say about it, the meaning was perfectly clear and they didn’t needed to dwell more on in that was necessary.
“I want to apologize, I never intended for anything of this to happen and I won’t even try to understand the pain you’re going through due to my fault, nor do I expect for you to ever forgive me.”
Sigyn sighed just a bit. “I don’t have to forgive you for this, for this wasn’t your fault, the only one that could be blamed for it is Loki, he was the one that made all of those selfish choices, he didn’t thought of anyone else only of himself, something he tends to do quite a lot.”
“…You still resent him so much; I can hear it in your words, Sigyn.” Jane looked away for a few seconds, before turning to look at her again. “At least talk with him, let him explain…”
“I cannot, there is nothing to explain, he took something from me that can’t be replaced, something in me broke and it can’t be fixed Jane, don’t push this issue anymore.” Sigyn gave her a hard look when it looked as if Jane wanted to say more. “Jane, you’re a good person but this is not something you can fix and while I don’t hold you on fault for this, there is something I do hold you at fault.”
Jane winced a bit at that. “What is it?”
“Your own stubbornness, I told you many times that if there was something that could help you with your illness it was Eir, she’s not the goddess of medicine for nothing, you only had to look for her and she would have helped her but neither of you did, I guess in part I am to blame for not insisting anymore, if we had done that from the start this wouldn’t have happened.”
Jane was quiet for a long time. “Yes…Lady Eir told me the same the day Loki brought me back.” The scientist or more like former scientist slowly bit her lip before approaching the next thing she wanted to say. “If you’re not going to see Loki…maybe you can at least try to convince Narvi to see his father?”
“I tried already, Thor asked me to, but Narvi just plain refuses, due to all the talks in the palace he knows Loki was the one that somehow wronged me and he can’t forgive him for it either.” Sigyn held up her hand to stop Jane from saying anything. “When I lost my child, Narvi was there and he saw it, that is something he will never forget, knowing that it was his father that caused me such pain and took his brother away is something he cannot accept and I won’t force him to do so, he will do it when he’s good and ready.”
After that the conversation between both women stalled and for a long time there was nothing else to say. When it started to turn way to awkward, Sigyn was the one that finally asked Jane politely to leave so she could rest, once the Jane left, she laid there and gazed out of the window. It wasn’t till this conversation that Sigyn finally realized that things were never going to be the same anymore.
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Eir had just told her that she was finally free to leave, she was going to be released tomorrow and she will need to find new ways to avoid Loki. As it was she had already asked for separate chambers to be arranged for her and Narvi, she couldn’t return to the place everything had happened, her heart couldn’t bear it. For the last hour she had been trying to read a book to entertain herself but it wasn’t working, when she heard the door of her room opening and closing she was actually happy someone had come to visit her, closing her book she looked up and she nearly felt her heart jumping up to her throat at the man that was standing in her room now.
“Theoric.”
Her former body guard was out of his crimson hawk uniform for a change, the light of the sun making his long black hair look even darker and gods, what was he doing here? He hadn’t come to visit her at all, he had only sent her flowers and a letter, if anyone had seen him come in, no she didn’t wanted to think about what Loki or anyone else…
“Don’t worry, no one saw me come in, Lady Eir made sure of it, just like she made sure no one will come bother us.”
She nearly breathed in relief, but couldn’t when he moved closer and took a seat on the edge of the bed, her blue eyes locking with his violet ones. “What are you doing here?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I had to see you, I couldn’t bear it anymore, you were so close and yet I couldn’t come due to your husband, but I finally I just gave up and followed my heart’s desire.”
“I…thank you for coming.” She didn’t know what else to say to him. “Also I must thank you for the flowers and the letter; I am still surprised you remember my favorite flowers.”
“I haven’t forgotten anything about what you like, Sigyn, they are engraved in my mind and if they brought a smile to your face then I am well served.” He smiled when that comment brought a small and tentative smile to her face. “Now Sigyn, you know I am not a man that beats around the bush and I have a reason for being here.”
She blinked a bit startled. “Yes, I know that but I thought you were not going to speak it so soon.”
“I know that sometimes we tend to jest and run in circles about it to amuse each other, but this is something that can’t wait since time is short and it needs to be done as soon as possible.” Carefully he took one of her small and delicate hands in between his own. “Sigyn, I want you to come away with me.”
She looked at him in shock for a few seconds. “Theoric, just what are you saying?”
“What you understood, Sigyn, I want us to run and leave Asgard behind to start a new life somewhere else together with Narvi” He squeezed her hand when she was about to protest. “I know you must think I am crazy but I have my reasons for this, I truly do.”
“And what might those reasons be? Because they must really be powerful if you are suggesting something like this,”
“I don’t want see you suffer anymore, Sigyn. Since you married that trickster you life has been filled with nothing but pain, I was there through most of it and I witnessed just how much you have suffered. When your marriage seemed to be working I was truly happy for you, but now look at this, he had found a new and deeper way to wrong you and break you, my dear. I do not want to see you once again forgiving him, only for this to happen again and again, you have suffered more than enough Sigyn, you’re a good and remarkable woman, one that deserves to be happy and have a fulfilled life with a man that truly loves and cherish you, a life where you will be able to do as you wish and not to be restricted by the wills of anyone else, I want to be the one to give that life to you.”
Her frame trembled just a bit at those words and the sheer brutal honesty, not to mention the sheer conviction. “Theoric….”
“Sigyn please, you know that I love you and I have had for years, since you were a young foreign princess trying to get used to the situation she was in and I was that soldier that wanted to be a great warrior, we had grow together and I want us to keep doing that.” Tentatively one of his hands moved to rest against her cheek and she actually leaned a bit against his touch. “I know that I wasn’t the only one that felt that way, you felt for me too, I still remember the adoration in your eyes when I was named a crimson hawk.”
“Yes, it is true…I cared for you, I loved you during those first times but…” She closed her eyes and a few tears ran down her cheeks then. “But I am now in love with Loki, I truly do my heart will always belong to him.”
Theoric was quiet for a bit, he looked at her and smiled. “I know that as well, I know you love him and you always will, but I’m still offering you this because I don’t want your light to be consumed by him, you deserve to have a good life, without any more pain and betrayal you have had your fair share of that, the only thing I am asking you is for you to allow me to be by your side, your side and Narvi, even if it’s as a friend.”
“Oh Theoric I…”
“Shh, you don’t need to decide today but it will need to be soon since time is against us and if we miss this chance, we won’t be able to try it again or at least not for a long time.” He cleaned her tears with his thumb. “I just want you to be happy for you have sacrificed enough already, you and Narvi deserve better.”
The young goddess crumbled down there and she allowed him to gather her in his arms crying against his shirt. Nanna had pretty much told her the same, but Theoric was the one that was telling her this in the clearest manner. Everything he had said was truth, she had been served pain after more pain, the efforts put to improve things had now crumbled down, she had been stolen of something quite important for her for the sake of another woman, she was broken and hollow, and she had really reached her limit.
But it was also true that she loved her husband, despite all she still loved him with all of her being, Loki might not love her as much as she loved him, maybe he never did and she had already been replaced by the woman she considered her best friend, but that didn’t changed the fact she loved him with all that she had and she didn’t wanted to leave him.
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Everyone had always praised her patience and loyalty for the people that meant the most to her, there was no one as loyal as her, not for nothing she had been named the goddess of loyalty and constancy. She was loyal to her family, to her friends and to her husband to the point of throwing her life in the line for them, she had done a lot of things for the peace of mind of her grandfather, to keep her sister Nanna safe and happy, to keep Frigga pleased, to keep Thor always with that joyful enthusiasm, to keep Jane safe from all the new stuff that could have been found in Asgard, to keep Narvi forever happy and to keep Loki in line and interceding for him.
The reason she had done all of that was simple: she loves them all, she especially loves Loki and Narvi for they are her world, the reason she had to keep waking every day and doing her best to fill each of their days with as more peace and joy as she could manage for both of them, every action and step that she made was for the love that she had for them, her love for them keep her constancy and her place in the world, it was something that will never change, it will be the truth till the world ended.
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Loki,
I once heard this mortal saying: “Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a teardrop.” Ironic how accurate it is, I started to love you when you first sincerely smiled at me, I was hopelessly in love the first time you really kissed me and for the last part…I have shred many tears due to you in the past two weeks but I still love you and that will never change, you will always have my heart, even if I don’t have yours. I have known that you have loved Lady Jane even before you realized it; I have always or used to know you.
The ordeals of the last few days have made me realize how much you love her, all the extent you went through just to have her back against all costs, it made me wonder if you will ever do the same for me and I think…as much as my heart rebels at the idea, that you will not. It is because I love you that I am doing this and I am stepping aside now leaving you free to purse and act as you want, whatever happens now between you, Jane and Thor I can only hope it ends good.
With this letter I send the papers and required formalities to void our marriage, you only need to leave your stamp and you will be free. I also take this chance to be the one of apologize for leaving without a proper goodbye, but if I had seen you I wouldn’t have been able to leave and I’m also sorry for once again taking one of your children away from you.
Some say that certain people come to stay and others just come to enrich your lives, while you are going to stay in my heart you were not meant to stay in my life, I can only hope I enriched your life as much as you enriched mine.
Do not hate me, despite what you did to me, unwillingly or not, I still love you and I always will, a big part of my own heart and soul stays with you. Be happy Loki, be as happy as you can be with your life and I will try to do same even if I am not at your side.
If our paths ever cross again, I will pray and hope we will be able to look at each other, think of the period in our lives in which we were together with happiness and be happy at the way our lives will be upon that reencounter before we carry on with our separate ways without any regret or looking back.
Sigyn.
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But there was also the fact that she discovered that she loves herself as well and she loves Narvi even more, during this ordeal she had also realized that something have been broken between her and her husband, something that she wasn’t sure couldn’t be fixed. It took her awhile to realize that the bond she shared with Loki, the one what made them aware of each other and allowed to sometimes communicate without words was gone or at least too weak to be able to substantial.
She chose to leave out of love for Loki, because he deserved to be happy even if it wasn’t with her, out of love for Narvi, because her son deserved to grow up in a stable environment and to grow without any resentment, out of love for her own person because as much as she loved and will always love Loki, she also needed to have a peaceful and stable life…something she had never been truly allowed.
“Sigyn, you look tired, let me carry Narvi for you.”
The young woman looked up at Theoric before smiling a bit and carefully handing her sleeping son over to him. “Thank you, I am actually glad he is asleep right now, I wouldn’t want him to see the place we are going right now.”
“Hopefully we’re going to get there soon, yes?” Nanna moved to Sigyn’s side, taking a firm hold of her sister and serving as a support. “Really doing this trip while you were still recovering, what were you thinking?”
Sigyn just smiled a bit. “Time was of essence, we needed to make it was done in the right moment to pass unnoticed.”
“Ah she is right, this was the adequate moment. We were lucky Heimdall helped us a bit.” Balder turned to look at Sigyn and shook his head. “There’s still some distance before we reach of destination, if you feel tired let me know and I will carry you then.”
Sigyn just smiled and leaned a bit more against Nanna, when her sister and her husband had tagged along with this scheme, she hadn’t been so sure it was going to work, but her sister had refused to leave her and Balder had refused to let Nanna just go, so they decided to accompany them to whatever place in which they will forge their new future, part of her was worried just what Loki might think of this and what if he found them, no…she was going to make sure he wouldn’t be able to do so.
“Sigyn…” Theoric’s voice brought her back musings and she looked up at him. “Why are you so sure she is going to help us?”
“That’s because Hel owes me a favor.”
And now it was time to collect and ensure everyone’s safety with it. With a small sigh she looked up and gazed at the sky, part of her was regretting this choice but it had been for the best, she just hoped everyone in Asgard forgave her and that Loki at the very least didn’t hated her as much as she suspected he would, she left with a broken heart and with deep sorrow yet she will never regret the time she spent at his side, nor would she trade all the pain and happiness she had with him and she will go through with it again.
But the truth was that she wasn’t unbreakable, she wasn’t as strong as everyone wanted her to believe and her soul had a limit as to how much pain she could take.
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[ You poor sweet innocent thing, dry your eyes and testify. You know you live to break me…
And oh you love to hate me don’t you, honey? I’m your sacrifice. ]
Summary: Because everyone has a breaking point, everyone has a limit as to how much they can take and go through…she has just reached hers.
Extra Notes: Just some warnings of mention of blood, delicate death subjects and angst, lots of it…this is a cake of angst, with a sorrow fondant and topped with heartbreak.
Also I wonder if this might feel a bit confusing considering the way it will be written, but hopefully it will comprehensible and do ignore the grammar mistakes. Also freaking mega long 7126 words so bear with it.
[ Apart, intrinsic, stand…And this brief tragedy of flesh is shifted like a sand. ]
She could sense it on everything, in the subtle changes in the atmosphere, in the rippling of her magic that was tied to her mild seer abilities natural to her race, even in the light bond she shared with her husband…soon they were all going to be struck with even more tragedy, more of what they had already had, and she couldn’t know how or when it will happen thus she couldn’t try to stop it.
The feeling of dread and worry Sigyn had woken up for the last two days her husband had gone to who knows where had intensified greatly this time, enough to cause her a mild headache about it and the spike of her seer abilities, which were screaming at her that things were going to be further broken without repair. It had been so overwhelming that she been forced to turn Narvi away from his magic lessons, though the little child had been overjoyed of spending the day with his uncle and Frigga which was only for the best, Narvi was a very emphatic boy, especially when it came to her feelings and knew when she was down, if he had remained he would have known how distressed she was.
A cold wind drifted by, swaying the drapes and her dress, causing her to shiver a bit and making her realize a storm was near, this time a natural one and not produced by Thor. With a small sigh she turned around and moved to sit on an elegant settee in the sitting room of the chambers she shared with her husband, lightly resting her hand over her womb, with all that had been happening she hadn’t been able to tell anyone she was with child again, only herself and Eir knew about it, soon enough her loose clothing wouldn’t be able to conceal it. The blond haired goddess wasn’t sure how long she sat there staring at nothing when she first felt it, a strange awareness that someone, something was there and her heart nearly stopped when the atmosphere started to feel heavier, oppressive nearly making it impossible for her to breathe, she couldn’t even move.
When she finally felt a semblance of control over her body she immediately stood up and screaming in surprise when she felt as if she was stabbed the moment she was on her feet, she had been stabbed before and she could recognize the familiar pain, when she looked down she found no wound before she could even wonder more about an intense wave of pain wrecked her body, causing her fall to her knees at the intensity and it only got more intense the more time it passed, she screamed again –a scream that was smothered by a roll of thunder from the storm that was now raging outside her window.
Realizing the source of her pain her heart nearly fell to her feet, she tried to scramble to her feet and find help or at least reach the door, but she could barely move it felt as if her body was being torn apart from the inside, when her hands moved to her womb and felt the fabric of her dress wet, very slowly she raised her hand only to see the crimson hue of her hand and fingers, another scream when she felt another intense wave of pain and now she was finally aware of the fact that a great amount of blood seemed to be sliding down her thighs. Once again she tried to move, but instead of moving to her feet she feel down to the floor, pain wrecking her body and slowly feeling the child that had been growing inside of her dying.
With desperate tears streaming down her face, she did the only thing she could, amidst the pain each of her movements brought she started to drag herself through the floor, trying to reach the door and unaware of the crimson path she was leaving on the floor on her wake. Another scream was ripped from her lips, she was losing her child…and she couldn’t do anything to prevent it…Loki wasn’t even here…
“SIGYN!!!”
The familiar loud voice of her brother in law cause her to look up, her vision was a bit blurry but she could recognize him and she felt so relieved to see him, he was going to be able to help her and it was then that she noticed her son and Frigga, Narvi was looking at the scene with such horror on his young and innocent face. “Frigga…take…take Narvi away now!!!”
While her request was filled promptly she knew the damage was wrought upon her young son and what he had seen won’t be forgotten. When Thor gathered on his arms and started to run to the healer houses, she was so numb about the pain and even the blood loss that she didn’t even realized it, she wasn’t even fully conscious and when they got there, it all happened in a blur of colors and sounds and even more pain that at some point she must have passed out, she deduced that because when she gained her conscious next time, the rain was lighter, while still in pain it wasn’t as bad as before and she could recognize the magic field about her, one that signified she was being slowly healed…
“…We didn’t even know she was with child.” Thor’s voice was clear from the other side of the room; she could even recognize the hints of regret there.
“No, she thought that given the circumstances it will be poor timing.” Eir’s wise and old voice sounded so tired. “I can’t even explain how this happened, she was healthy and the pregnancy was going just fine…this loss…”
Sigyn shut them out then, she didn’t needed to know more, her hands fisted the blanket that covered and she allowed more tears to come to her eyes, it had been too late, her child had died…she hadn’t been able to move fast enough to save it, she had been in part responsible to its death…she had gone through the worst experience ever and thus she didn’t dare ask she knew….
Loki wasn’t even here, he hadn’t been here…
When she woke up again, she hadn’t even realized she had fell asleep, maybe she hadn’t even fallen asleep as more as she had passed out, she was alone in the room or at least that’s what she had first though. A small shift in the shadows in the corner of her eyes caught her attention, tiredly she turned her head to look there, she still couldn’t move her body, Eir had probably used a spell to immobilize her body so the healing could work without any issue as well as to make it feel less because she was sure that without it, she wouldn’t be able to stand it, but she could still move her head and she waited for whoever it was to appear.
Sigyn was just a bit startled when Hel stepped from the shadows or at least a projection of Hel, after all, the goddess of the underworld couldn’t exactly freely come and go in Asgard despite being the daughter of Loki, also seeing her in those moments just reminded Sigyn of the loss she had suffered a few hours…or was it days…ago but she couldn’t blame Hel, after all she only did her task, the small look of regret on Hel’s face helped to make Sigyn feel less angry at her for what she represented.
“I hope that my visit is not inconvenient for you, I had to come and make sure you were alright.” Hel looked down at her; the eyes of the young goddess moving over her and Sigyn couldn’t help but feel she was trying to avoid looking her in the eyes. “Under Eir’s care your body will recover in a matter of days.”
Sigyn had to at least give her credit for not assuming her the same will happen with her heart and soul. “Is there any other reason you are here, Hel?” She nearly winced at how raspy and even broken her voice sounded. “I am sure it wasn’t only to be assured of my condition.”
Hel was quiet for a bit. “You have always been more perceptive than what people gave you credit for.” When Hel finally looked into her eyes, Sigyn was again startled when she saw the regret there. “You have always been a kind and fair woman, Sigyn, you have always accepted myself and my brothers as rightful children to my father and you were always kind to us on the few occasions our father brought you to visit, we like you…even I do and that is why one of the reasons I came here, because you have earned that I apologize for you and ask your forgiveness.”
“There is nothing to apologize for Hel, this…you were only doing your duty, after all.” While many wouldn’t have noticed, Sigyn noticed the light tensing on her shoulders. “...you were just doing your duty, were you not…?”
“…I was not, hence I ask for your forgiveness.” Hel looked away, probably feeling a bit uncomfortable at the rather hurt look on Sigyn’s face now and bracing herself, she turned to look back at the older goddess. “You will understand when father comes back and…”
“That…that is enough Hel.” She closed her eyes, she didn’t want to hear the rest, and she didn’t want to believe Loki was somehow connected to this. “…I will just ask you something Hel…”
“…What is it?”
Sigyn took a deep breath, afraid of asking this. “My…my child’s soul…is it going to go to a better place or be allowed to rebirth?”
Hel was quiet for a long time, a heavy silence. “No, his soul was destroyed and consumed, it ceased to exist…it was the price to pay.”
At those words, Sigyn just started to cry again, mourning for her child…for her son…for the son that will never be able to come to this world not now or ever, the son that won’t know how much she would have loved him and wouldn’t be able to see the world, learn of its wonders or all the small things that made things important…he wouldn’t even exist now, a sudden touch on her hand startled her and she turned to look at Hel again.
“The regret that I have with this is that you were hurt, you didn’t deserve it and knowing you were one of the people hurt in this will be one of the very few regrets I will ever have. I know that maybe you will never be able to forgive me for this, but know I am truly regretful, and I will compensate you…if you ever need of my aid; you know where to find me.”
Giving her one last look and a lingering touch, Hel moved to the shadows again and a few seconds later Sigyn knew she was gone. While part of her was a bit thankful that Hel had come here to apologize, but still Hel had willingly took part of whatever that Loki had done in this and she didn’t know what to do, the only thing she seemed to be able to do at the moment was crying, she could feel the tears streaming down her face and it was with a heavy heart and tears of sorrow that she fell into oblivion again.
The next time she recovered her conscience, she became aware of two things, the first was that she could feel her body and she was sure that she could move it now, which means she must have been down for a day or two, and the second one was that she wasn’t alone, she could feel another presence in her room, someone that was holding her hand…it was a very familiar touch and one that instead of bringing her comfort was only enraged her a bit. When she opened her eyes, the first person she saw was Loki and she just watched him for a few seconds, he looked as she remembered, broken and even his aura felt the same, with the hints of paranoia and being broken only that now she could add the hint of regret yet even feeling that she still was angry at him.
When he seemed to felt she was looking at him, he looked up and it was clear that he had been crying, weeping for the news that had greeted him upon his arrival and that made her heart soften in sight of them, wanting to keep that idea of being unfeeling towards him crash and burn.
“Sigyn…we were worried about you and we regret not being here.”
She was just a bit startled that he was still talking like that, before she could say something the door to her room opened and Thor walked in, looking solemnly grave but apparently relieved she was awake, before she could ponder more on the gravity of his look the next person that walked after him made her heart stop and her body go numb in sheer shock. Jane just stood there, clearly not expecting to see her awake just yet, and tentatively smiling at her, Sigyn was sure that she was looking at them with a blank face, without a single smile back and considering that she was still surely looking like hell it wasn’t that reassuring for Jane.
“Sigyn, I’m glad that you are okay and…” Jane couldn’t even finish before Sigyn slowly sat up and decided to cut in right then and there.
“Loki…what did you do?” The rather cold and unfeeling tone she was using seemed to startle everyone in the room, it was a tone they had never thought she was cable of.
“Sigyn…we…”
“No, Loki!” Hard and cold eyes turned to look at Loki before she retrieved her hand back from his grasp. “WHAT DID YOU DO!?”
For a few seconds Loki was quiet, everyone in the room was, before he finally decided to break the silence. “We made a deal with Hel to bring Jane back and…”
“And you sacrificed our child’s soul for her!” She glared at him and she even glared at Jane in such a way that the woman had to take a step back, before she fixed her eyes on Loki. “While you were there moving and draining yourself out of magic to revive her, I was here paying the price for your wishes once again!”
“Sigyn…:”
“NO LOKI! You have no idea of what I had to go through of the pain tearing my body apart and knowing that I was losing the son that was growing inside of me, while you were there reviving Jane, I was here alone feeling a life and nearly my own being consumed just so you could have what you wanted!” She wanted to hit him, to hurt him physically but that wouldn’t do, he was used to it and will deal with it so emotionally it will have to be. “You truly live just to break me, Loki and I won’t take it anymore…I AM DONE YOU HEAR ME!”
The look of pure shock on everyone’s faces while she said those words and the conviction behind them made her feel momentarily good, for a bit before Jane took a step forward. “Sigyn, please try to understand…”
“Understand what, Jane? That my son was sacrificed for a selfish wish of Loki to have you back, caring not about the consequences.” She snarled at Loki when he tried to take her hand again and even slapped it away. “Get out…both of you…GET OUT!!!”
A sound of pain left her lips when she moved, she felt something inside of her giving in and it only got worse when Loki immediately moved closer to her but she wouldn’t have any of it, she pushed and slapped him away, she only stood calm when Thor was the one that finally came forward to aid her, the scent of blood already teasing her senses before Eir stumbled into the room with another healer and promptly kicked them out of the room to tend to her, scolding her for not being aware that she needed to be calm and she had added more days to her recovery…but she didn’t cared…she was to broken at the moment.
Before she was put to sleep again she had asked, pleaded to Eir to not allow Loki to visit her again, she didn’t want to see him again; she wasn’t able to go back to sleep till Eir assured her that her wishes will be fulfilled.
“Poor Lady Sigyn all these years Lord Loki was cheating on her with her best friend, really the nerve of that man, first he sleeps with her mother and then with her best friend.”
“Yes, I feel bad for Lord Thor, all these years thinking Lady Jane was happy with him and she was with his brother.”
“I know, but Lord Thor didn’t go through with what Lady Sigyn had, that wretched bastard had not hesitation to sacrifice them for his lover, he should be locked up for that.”
At that moment the women that had been checking on her had thought she was sleep and thus could be free to talk about it, she hadn’t dared to wake up and tell them differently, she had just laid there pretending to be asleep while those words stabbed at her over and over. She was sure that everyone in court was talking about this, about how Loki and Jane had been betraying them for years, how she and Thor had been to blind to see the truth, how about someone will make the right connections about her miscarriage and the miraculous revival of Jane.
She didn’t want to deal with this, she told Eir about and thus she wasn’t surprised that the next times Eir herself was the one that came to check on her from that day on.
The following days were slow, she had visits from Thor, Frigga and Odin, many night she had woken up to find that Narvi had managed to sneak inside the healing houses, into her room and had crawled in bed with her, sometimes she woke up and told him to go back to his room, other times Thor came to search for him, took him back to Frigga’s care and returned to spend the rest of the night with her, there were other nights in which she hadn’t had the heart or wish to the turn him away, she turned and she carefully wrapped her arms around him, Narvi was the biggest comfort she had and she cherished him.
Her political family wasn’t the only one that had visited, Njord had come as well, despite that he was very old now and couldn’t take long trips, her grandfather had risked that and arrived to Asgard the moment he heard what had happened to her. His presence was also quite comforting to her, her grandfather was the closest thing she had as a father figure and she loved him as such, when he visited he never said anything, he just sat in silence with her and that was enough with her it comforted her as well. Her mother also visited, those visits tended to be dreadful or not depending on her mother’s mood, sometimes she acted like a mother and the other times she did not, acting more like a vindictive bitch…
“Truly Sigyn, what is wrong with you that your husband had to look for comfort not only in your mother but also your sister in law something must be ruined in you. Also I am quite sure that Loki will never go to such extents as he did with Lady Jane for you, he was more eager to pawn you and your son for her.”
Even remembering those words still hurt her, not only because her mother had said them but also because she couldn’t help but find a ring of truth in them, a very painful truth. As if sensing she had given quite a deep plunge on her daughter, for the first time since Sigyn remembered, Freya seemed to be as regretful as she could be and her next visits were more pleasant, talking more about the state on their home. Her favorite sister Nanna was a frequent visitor as well, she tended to come with Balder from times to times, Nanna tried her hardest to cheer her up or lift her spirits, she read to her, she talked of menial things, she brought flowers, everything to distract her from what had happened, she was one of the few people she could trust and when she had expressed a certain opinion about the state of things, she knew Nanna had been sincere when she had given her own and a piece of advice.
“Sometimes sister, that with doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, I know you will raise even stronger after this and wiser. Wise enough to know that things change without you wanted them to and that there are times hard choices have to be made in order to preserve your heart, because all things must come to an end and one has to know when to step back for your own good. You deserve to be happy as well, truly happy.”
Those words had echoed in her head for days and she knew her sister was right, sometimes her sister could be wiser than her in certain things and this was one of them.
She had been unchained then.
It was a bright day, with a fresh breeze that drifted inside the room through the window and swaying the cream hued drapes. The atmosphere in the room was tense though, Sigyn was quietly sitting on her bed, a small pile of pillows supporting her back, she had finally been changed to another room and she was going to be out soon, her eyes moved to the person that was seating on the chair by her bedside, since her visitor had arrived nearly thirty minutes ago not a single word had left it’s lips, she supposed she could understand that, after all this was the first time that Jane visited her after that fatidic first time.
Time seemed to drag slowly while she waited for Jane to say something to her, she knew that the mortal woman hadn’t come here just to sit in silence and stare at her lap forever; she finally rolled her eyes a bit. “Jane if you’re going to say something just say it.”
“It has been days Sigyn and you still refuse to see Loki.” Jane finally looked up and stared at her, looking quite tired but not as bad as Sigyn still looked. “He has been in pure despair and anguish over your refusal to see him.”
The blond slowly rested her hands over her covered lap. “I am sure that your company has been a great relief for him during his days of despair and anguish, after all, you do soothe and comfort him.”
“….Sigyn…I have…I am just trying to help and…”
“No, Jane stop, I know that you have noble intentions and you have been an essential part of the improvement Loki had showed for a bit there with not only our marriage but also his family and I am truly thankful for it, I am sure everyone is.” And that was something Sigyn will forever be thankful to her. “But don’t try to think I am a fool and that I don’t know that my husband is IN love with you.”
Jane’s breath hitched a bit at that. “No matter what you have heard, Sigyn I swear to you we have never…”
“I know Jane, for all purposes and intentions, Loki has kept his promise and he has remained faithful to me, but the same wasn’t with his heart. I have been aware that his feelings for you changed even before he realized himself.” Sigyn just smiled at the rather startled look on Jane’s face. “Why do you look so surprised? I know Loki’s heart even better than he knows it himself or at least I used to do so.”
Another bout of silence fell between both women, Jane clearly didn’t know what to say about that and Sigyn thought it was just as well since she didn’t though there was anything to say about it, the meaning was perfectly clear and they didn’t needed to dwell more on in that was necessary.
“I want to apologize, I never intended for anything of this to happen and I won’t even try to understand the pain you’re going through due to my fault, nor do I expect for you to ever forgive me.”
Sigyn sighed just a bit. “I don’t have to forgive you for this, for this wasn’t your fault, the only one that could be blamed for it is Loki, he was the one that made all of those selfish choices, he didn’t thought of anyone else only of himself, something he tends to do quite a lot.”
“…You still resent him so much; I can hear it in your words, Sigyn.” Jane looked away for a few seconds, before turning to look at her again. “At least talk with him, let him explain…”
“I cannot, there is nothing to explain, he took something from me that can’t be replaced, something in me broke and it can’t be fixed Jane, don’t push this issue anymore.” Sigyn gave her a hard look when it looked as if Jane wanted to say more. “Jane, you’re a good person but this is not something you can fix and while I don’t hold you on fault for this, there is something I do hold you at fault.”
Jane winced a bit at that. “What is it?”
“Your own stubbornness, I told you many times that if there was something that could help you with your illness it was Eir, she’s not the goddess of medicine for nothing, you only had to look for her and she would have helped her but neither of you did, I guess in part I am to blame for not insisting anymore, if we had done that from the start this wouldn’t have happened.”
Jane was quiet for a long time. “Yes…Lady Eir told me the same the day Loki brought me back.” The scientist or more like former scientist slowly bit her lip before approaching the next thing she wanted to say. “If you’re not going to see Loki…maybe you can at least try to convince Narvi to see his father?”
“I tried already, Thor asked me to, but Narvi just plain refuses, due to all the talks in the palace he knows Loki was the one that somehow wronged me and he can’t forgive him for it either.” Sigyn held up her hand to stop Jane from saying anything. “When I lost my child, Narvi was there and he saw it, that is something he will never forget, knowing that it was his father that caused me such pain and took his brother away is something he cannot accept and I won’t force him to do so, he will do it when he’s good and ready.”
After that the conversation between both women stalled and for a long time there was nothing else to say. When it started to turn way to awkward, Sigyn was the one that finally asked Jane politely to leave so she could rest, once the Jane left, she laid there and gazed out of the window. It wasn’t till this conversation that Sigyn finally realized that things were never going to be the same anymore.
Eir had just told her that she was finally free to leave, she was going to be released tomorrow and she will need to find new ways to avoid Loki. As it was she had already asked for separate chambers to be arranged for her and Narvi, she couldn’t return to the place everything had happened, her heart couldn’t bear it. For the last hour she had been trying to read a book to entertain herself but it wasn’t working, when she heard the door of her room opening and closing she was actually happy someone had come to visit her, closing her book she looked up and she nearly felt her heart jumping up to her throat at the man that was standing in her room now.
“Theoric.”
Her former body guard was out of his crimson hawk uniform for a change, the light of the sun making his long black hair look even darker and gods, what was he doing here? He hadn’t come to visit her at all, he had only sent her flowers and a letter, if anyone had seen him come in, no she didn’t wanted to think about what Loki or anyone else…
“Don’t worry, no one saw me come in, Lady Eir made sure of it, just like she made sure no one will come bother us.”
She nearly breathed in relief, but couldn’t when he moved closer and took a seat on the edge of the bed, her blue eyes locking with his violet ones. “What are you doing here?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I had to see you, I couldn’t bear it anymore, you were so close and yet I couldn’t come due to your husband, but I finally I just gave up and followed my heart’s desire.”
“I…thank you for coming.” She didn’t know what else to say to him. “Also I must thank you for the flowers and the letter; I am still surprised you remember my favorite flowers.”
“I haven’t forgotten anything about what you like, Sigyn, they are engraved in my mind and if they brought a smile to your face then I am well served.” He smiled when that comment brought a small and tentative smile to her face. “Now Sigyn, you know I am not a man that beats around the bush and I have a reason for being here.”
She blinked a bit startled. “Yes, I know that but I thought you were not going to speak it so soon.”
“I know that sometimes we tend to jest and run in circles about it to amuse each other, but this is something that can’t wait since time is short and it needs to be done as soon as possible.” Carefully he took one of her small and delicate hands in between his own. “Sigyn, I want you to come away with me.”
She looked at him in shock for a few seconds. “Theoric, just what are you saying?”
“What you understood, Sigyn, I want us to run and leave Asgard behind to start a new life somewhere else together with Narvi” He squeezed her hand when she was about to protest. “I know you must think I am crazy but I have my reasons for this, I truly do.”
“And what might those reasons be? Because they must really be powerful if you are suggesting something like this,”
“I don’t want see you suffer anymore, Sigyn. Since you married that trickster you life has been filled with nothing but pain, I was there through most of it and I witnessed just how much you have suffered. When your marriage seemed to be working I was truly happy for you, but now look at this, he had found a new and deeper way to wrong you and break you, my dear. I do not want to see you once again forgiving him, only for this to happen again and again, you have suffered more than enough Sigyn, you’re a good and remarkable woman, one that deserves to be happy and have a fulfilled life with a man that truly loves and cherish you, a life where you will be able to do as you wish and not to be restricted by the wills of anyone else, I want to be the one to give that life to you.”
Her frame trembled just a bit at those words and the sheer brutal honesty, not to mention the sheer conviction. “Theoric….”
“Sigyn please, you know that I love you and I have had for years, since you were a young foreign princess trying to get used to the situation she was in and I was that soldier that wanted to be a great warrior, we had grow together and I want us to keep doing that.” Tentatively one of his hands moved to rest against her cheek and she actually leaned a bit against his touch. “I know that I wasn’t the only one that felt that way, you felt for me too, I still remember the adoration in your eyes when I was named a crimson hawk.”
“Yes, it is true…I cared for you, I loved you during those first times but…” She closed her eyes and a few tears ran down her cheeks then. “But I am now in love with Loki, I truly do my heart will always belong to him.”
Theoric was quiet for a bit, he looked at her and smiled. “I know that as well, I know you love him and you always will, but I’m still offering you this because I don’t want your light to be consumed by him, you deserve to have a good life, without any more pain and betrayal you have had your fair share of that, the only thing I am asking you is for you to allow me to be by your side, your side and Narvi, even if it’s as a friend.”
“Oh Theoric I…”
“Shh, you don’t need to decide today but it will need to be soon since time is against us and if we miss this chance, we won’t be able to try it again or at least not for a long time.” He cleaned her tears with his thumb. “I just want you to be happy for you have sacrificed enough already, you and Narvi deserve better.”
The young goddess crumbled down there and she allowed him to gather her in his arms crying against his shirt. Nanna had pretty much told her the same, but Theoric was the one that was telling her this in the clearest manner. Everything he had said was truth, she had been served pain after more pain, the efforts put to improve things had now crumbled down, she had been stolen of something quite important for her for the sake of another woman, she was broken and hollow, and she had really reached her limit.
But it was also true that she loved her husband, despite all she still loved him with all of her being, Loki might not love her as much as she loved him, maybe he never did and she had already been replaced by the woman she considered her best friend, but that didn’t changed the fact she loved him with all that she had and she didn’t wanted to leave him.
Everyone had always praised her patience and loyalty for the people that meant the most to her, there was no one as loyal as her, not for nothing she had been named the goddess of loyalty and constancy. She was loyal to her family, to her friends and to her husband to the point of throwing her life in the line for them, she had done a lot of things for the peace of mind of her grandfather, to keep her sister Nanna safe and happy, to keep Frigga pleased, to keep Thor always with that joyful enthusiasm, to keep Jane safe from all the new stuff that could have been found in Asgard, to keep Narvi forever happy and to keep Loki in line and interceding for him.
The reason she had done all of that was simple: she loves them all, she especially loves Loki and Narvi for they are her world, the reason she had to keep waking every day and doing her best to fill each of their days with as more peace and joy as she could manage for both of them, every action and step that she made was for the love that she had for them, her love for them keep her constancy and her place in the world, it was something that will never change, it will be the truth till the world ended.
Loki,
I once heard this mortal saying: “Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a teardrop.” Ironic how accurate it is, I started to love you when you first sincerely smiled at me, I was hopelessly in love the first time you really kissed me and for the last part…I have shred many tears due to you in the past two weeks but I still love you and that will never change, you will always have my heart, even if I don’t have yours. I have known that you have loved Lady Jane even before you realized it; I have always or used to know you.
The ordeals of the last few days have made me realize how much you love her, all the extent you went through just to have her back against all costs, it made me wonder if you will ever do the same for me and I think…as much as my heart rebels at the idea, that you will not. It is because I love you that I am doing this and I am stepping aside now leaving you free to purse and act as you want, whatever happens now between you, Jane and Thor I can only hope it ends good.
With this letter I send the papers and required formalities to void our marriage, you only need to leave your stamp and you will be free. I also take this chance to be the one of apologize for leaving without a proper goodbye, but if I had seen you I wouldn’t have been able to leave and I’m also sorry for once again taking one of your children away from you.
Some say that certain people come to stay and others just come to enrich your lives, while you are going to stay in my heart you were not meant to stay in my life, I can only hope I enriched your life as much as you enriched mine.
Do not hate me, despite what you did to me, unwillingly or not, I still love you and I always will, a big part of my own heart and soul stays with you. Be happy Loki, be as happy as you can be with your life and I will try to do same even if I am not at your side.
If our paths ever cross again, I will pray and hope we will be able to look at each other, think of the period in our lives in which we were together with happiness and be happy at the way our lives will be upon that reencounter before we carry on with our separate ways without any regret or looking back.
Sigyn.
But there was also the fact that she discovered that she loves herself as well and she loves Narvi even more, during this ordeal she had also realized that something have been broken between her and her husband, something that she wasn’t sure couldn’t be fixed. It took her awhile to realize that the bond she shared with Loki, the one what made them aware of each other and allowed to sometimes communicate without words was gone or at least too weak to be able to substantial.
She chose to leave out of love for Loki, because he deserved to be happy even if it wasn’t with her, out of love for Narvi, because her son deserved to grow up in a stable environment and to grow without any resentment, out of love for her own person because as much as she loved and will always love Loki, she also needed to have a peaceful and stable life…something she had never been truly allowed.
“Sigyn, you look tired, let me carry Narvi for you.”
The young woman looked up at Theoric before smiling a bit and carefully handing her sleeping son over to him. “Thank you, I am actually glad he is asleep right now, I wouldn’t want him to see the place we are going right now.”
“Hopefully we’re going to get there soon, yes?” Nanna moved to Sigyn’s side, taking a firm hold of her sister and serving as a support. “Really doing this trip while you were still recovering, what were you thinking?”
Sigyn just smiled a bit. “Time was of essence, we needed to make it was done in the right moment to pass unnoticed.”
“Ah she is right, this was the adequate moment. We were lucky Heimdall helped us a bit.” Balder turned to look at Sigyn and shook his head. “There’s still some distance before we reach of destination, if you feel tired let me know and I will carry you then.”
Sigyn just smiled and leaned a bit more against Nanna, when her sister and her husband had tagged along with this scheme, she hadn’t been so sure it was going to work, but her sister had refused to leave her and Balder had refused to let Nanna just go, so they decided to accompany them to whatever place in which they will forge their new future, part of her was worried just what Loki might think of this and what if he found them, no…she was going to make sure he wouldn’t be able to do so.
“Sigyn…” Theoric’s voice brought her back musings and she looked up at him. “Why are you so sure she is going to help us?”
“That’s because Hel owes me a favor.”
And now it was time to collect and ensure everyone’s safety with it. With a small sigh she looked up and gazed at the sky, part of her was regretting this choice but it had been for the best, she just hoped everyone in Asgard forgave her and that Loki at the very least didn’t hated her as much as she suspected he would, she left with a broken heart and with deep sorrow yet she will never regret the time she spent at his side, nor would she trade all the pain and happiness she had with him and she will go through with it again.
But the truth was that she wasn’t unbreakable, she wasn’t as strong as everyone wanted her to believe and her soul had a limit as to how much pain she could take.
[ You poor sweet innocent thing, dry your eyes and testify. You know you live to break me…
And oh you love to hate me don’t you, honey? I’m your sacrifice. ]